You know the saying "seeing red" it is used to refer to the idea of being angry. It is supposed to be symbolic of being unable to see past your anger. But it isn't symbolic. It is literal. I am seeing red. Anger overcomes the soul, It gives me visions of breaking glass houses, stabbing walls that bleed red paint. It makes hot tears stream down my face. I drown searching for the air that brings peace, that brings hope. The salt water from my body burns my lungs. I scream for help to be rescued, to feel joy, to see blue and purple hues haloed around each object in sight. I am wandering in this deep red sea of pain looking for the glow of the heavenly side of this earth. It exists I know it does. I once frolicked amongst the blue rose gardens, smelled of their sweet blossoms. I was their lover, their caretaker. I helped heavens light grow around everyone in that heavenly earth. What are these thorn bushes my skirt is ensnared in, they prod me and tear me until tears, red tears pour out of my eyes and body. I will break away. I will run free to my sweet garden. I will fill the heads of my lovers with the blue rose scent. I must run, I must run.

Love is Selfless

Love is Selfless. Of course it is, I can easily love anyone without expecting to have it returned. I can love unconditionally, wholeheartedly. I do love him unselfishly. "Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's good as far as it can be obtained" -C.S. Lewis everything I do is with the intent that it will make his life better.

But why does it hurt so bad. It is painful... the constant phrase in my head.. "he doesn't love you." I don't love him for him to love me, I just love him. I just wanted him to know. And he loves that I love him. I know it makes him feel good. That's why I do it. How much of myself can I give though... how much can I give without anything in return before there is nothing left of me. It is so painful. I will never stop loving him. I won't. I could love him forever without asking anything in return, but it hurts. At some point I have to have self respect don't I? Self respect to know that I can be loved.

Can't I be loved? Am I lovable? How much do I have to do before he'll love me? When will I reach the point that I deserve his love?