You know the saying "seeing red" it is used to refer to the idea of being angry. It is supposed to be symbolic of being unable to see past your anger. But it isn't symbolic. It is literal. I am seeing red. Anger overcomes the soul, It gives me visions of breaking glass houses, stabbing walls that bleed red paint. It makes hot tears stream down my face. I drown searching for the air that brings peace, that brings hope. The salt water from my body burns my lungs. I scream for help to be rescued, to feel joy, to see blue and purple hues haloed around each object in sight. I am wandering in this deep red sea of pain looking for the glow of the heavenly side of this earth. It exists I know it does. I once frolicked amongst the blue rose gardens, smelled of their sweet blossoms. I was their lover, their caretaker. I helped heavens light grow around everyone in that heavenly earth. What are these thorn bushes my skirt is ensnared in, they prod me and tear me until tears, red tears pour out of my eyes and body. I will break away. I will run free to my sweet garden. I will fill the heads of my lovers with the blue rose scent. I must run, I must run.

Love is Selfless

Love is Selfless. Of course it is, I can easily love anyone without expecting to have it returned. I can love unconditionally, wholeheartedly. I do love him unselfishly. "Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's good as far as it can be obtained" -C.S. Lewis everything I do is with the intent that it will make his life better.

But why does it hurt so bad. It is painful... the constant phrase in my head.. "he doesn't love you." I don't love him for him to love me, I just love him. I just wanted him to know. And he loves that I love him. I know it makes him feel good. That's why I do it. How much of myself can I give though... how much can I give without anything in return before there is nothing left of me. It is so painful. I will never stop loving him. I won't. I could love him forever without asking anything in return, but it hurts. At some point I have to have self respect don't I? Self respect to know that I can be loved.

Can't I be loved? Am I lovable? How much do I have to do before he'll love me? When will I reach the point that I deserve his love?

The wind moves me

Standing still I feel the wind pass me by. It is the evidence of a world ever changing. It is constantly at work. Stagnate I stand watching its affects, the leaves it russells, the snow it swirls in glimmering pathways. I can stand so still and have no affect on the things around me. Still the change occurs. My immobile body only impedes the wind, forcing it to change its course, but it move on changed a little, but strengthened by its new pathway. I want to throw myself into that wind to become one with the change and power. I will not be that pillar standing in its way. I will ride the current that russels feathers and opens doors.

A Time Sweeter Than This

A third of my life has past and I am not certain that there is enough to show for it. Have I loved enough, have I fought for enough. Have the people I loved known of my love, have the fights I have fought felt my impact. And yet there is nothing to be done with that time, it is past it is lost... I am now, only the fight of today can be impacted, only the ones I love now can feel my affections. Is now the sweetest time of them all? I can look at images past and yearn for the sweetest of loves the strongest of fights, the intensity that life was, but that only makes today less sweet and I can hope for the unconditional love of my future or the ultimate fight won, but yet again what is of this moment. Yearning and hope both dilute today. Today I love, today I fight. Shadows of the past can not taste so sweet, and mirages of my future can not offer satisfaction, but this moment, this moment is the sweetest of them all. It is, It is. There is no sweeter time than this.